Gone
by LilyIsAwesomerThanYou
Summary: Hotch's reflection on Haley's death. He still can't believe that she's gone.


**I was rewatching Season 5 and this episode came on, and I pretty much just cried. Just a little piece that popped into my head.**

**I don't own Criminal Minds or anything affiliated with it.**

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><p>Gone<p>

Haley turns toward me, pushing blonde hair out of her eyes. She smiles lightly as she dances around the kitchen, grabbing the milk out of the refrigerator and adding it to the pancake mix in the bowl.

When she turns to grab the cooking oil from the cabinet, I sneak up behind her and wrap my arms around her, pressing a kiss to her cheek. I feel her smile as she relaxes back into my embrace.

"Aaron!" she protests, laughing. "Let go of me so I can make you and your son your pancakes!"

"Let go of my beautiful wife? Never," I respond, spinning her around the kitchen to invisible music. The oil drops from her hands and hits the tile floor as she slips her arms up around my neck. I lean down and kiss her softly.

When I open my eyes, she is gone. The air in the apartment is cold and heavy.

I blink hard and gaze at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. _She's gone_, I tell myself as I reach up and loosen my tie, untying it and letting it dangle around my neck. As I unbutton my shirt, I think again, _Haley's gone._

From where I'm standing in the bathroom, I can't see the rest of the bedroom. I can't see the bed or the closet or the door. I can't see the emptiness of the apartment, so I can pretend for just a moment that the last few years haven't happened. I can pretend that Haley is getting ready for bed or that she is already under the thick blankets, waiting for me to join her. I can pretend that she has stepped out for a moment to tuck Jack in or that she is about to sashay up behind me and lure me back to bed with messy hair and a crooked smile.

And so just for a second, I do. I close my eyes again and act like she is right outside the bedroom door, coming back in from the living room. Her perfume is still in the cabinet, so I pull it out and spray it once into the air. And for a moment, I believe my fantasy. I leave my eyes closed and wait, wait, wait for that bedroom door to open as her scent surrounds me – overwhelms me.

But the door never opens.

And all of a sudden, it hits me again. She's gone. She's never coming back. And I have never felt so alone.

A lump forms in my throat and I swallow thickly, trying to dissolve it. I fail, and a gasping sob escapes me. I fall forward and brace myself on the sink in front of me. It feels like a ragged hole has been punched straight through my chest. I can't breathe – can't live – without Haley. She was my heart, my soul, my everything.

I have no idea how to deal with this – her sudden absence. I don't know how to pretend that it isn't all my damn fault that I lost her. I don't know how to act like I don't know that she would blame me for all of this – and rightfully so. I don't know how to raise Jack all alone. I don't know how to move on from this. And I am clueless as to how to stay strong for my son through all of this.

I turn on the sink and cup my hands, letting the cold water fill them up and overflow. I splash the water onto my face before grabbing a towel and drying myself off. I walk through the bedroom and open the bedroom door as I go to find Jack.

Quiet sounds of excitement come from the television in the living room as I walk in, and I see Jack on the couch watching the old home videos that I put on for him earlier. He lays curled up on his side with his head on a decorative pillow, remote in hand, and eyes fixed on the video of him and Haley running around and playing soccer. The color from the video stands in stark contrast to the darkness of the living room.

I sit on the couch beside Jack and rub his leg. "Hey, buddy. Ready for PJ's?"

Jack keeps his eyes fixed on the screen as he quietly asks, "Can I watch one more time? I'm waiting for Mommy."

I sit in silence for a moment, unsure if he means that he is waiting for Haley to show up in the video or if he is waiting for her to walk through the front door. I swallow past another lump in my throat.

The video shifts to one of Jack's birthday the year before. Haley sits beside Jack behind a big cake. Jack blows out the candles and they both wave to the camera.

"_Say, 'Hi, daddy!'"_

_ "Hi, daddy!"_

I stand up and pull Jack into my arms. "I know, Jack. I miss her too."

As I carry my son back toward his bedroom, he whispers into my neck, "Can I sleep in your room again?"

"Sure, buddy." I tighten my arms around him and set him on my bed while I continue getting ready for bed. After I brush my teeth, I return to find Jack fast asleep under the blankets on my bed.

I lean down and press my lips to his forehead gently. There are tear tracks on his cheeks, and I wipe away the wetness with my thumb.

"I know, buddy. We'll get through this somehow."

And I know that we will. We have to. I may not have Haley but I do have my son, and this time, I won't let him out of my sight.

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><p><strong>Thanks, guys! Please let me know what you thought!<strong>


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